GETTING LAID IN THE AFTERNOON
Getting laid just after noon
is for square people very much
like drinking cocktails far too soon,
but those who’re cool and love to touch
each other in their private parts
before the sun has set should be
allowed to practice loving arts
ad lib in early p.m,, free
of criticism from those pur-
itans who think that people should
avoid all sex in their amours,
like early films of Hollywood,
until the light begins to fade.
and in the afternoon avoid
the plan they have of getting laid
as if it were a hemorrhoid.
It wasn’t Henry Miller who
first found that often early post-
meridiem is the best time to
have sex. I think it is when most
philanderers prefer to play,
because it leaves the nighttime free
for people with whom they must stay
in contact, and thus lets them be
attentive to their wives whom they
more easily deceive by cheating
by dallying close to midday,
to consummate a noontime meeting.
Hot brimstone, it is said, awaits,
all those whom I’ve described above,
but, pace Revelation, gates
of hell seem closed to those who love.
Moral:If you are twitching like a loon
for sex, because you cannot govern
your id, tryst in the afternoon,
but don’t leave buns inside the oven,
and stick to someone whom you trust
won’t talk about you to the press,
and keep quite mum about your lust,
yes, even if you must confess.
Inspired by Nico Pitney’s blog concerning the matrimonial delinquencies of Governor Mark Sanford of South Caroline in Huffington Post on July 1, 2009:
Hemingway said that the problem with Henry Miller was that he got laid in the afternoon once and thought he invented it. Governor Mark Sanford got laid in Argentina two weeks ago and the way he continues to go on about it, you'd think he cracked cold fusion. The man won't shut up. If Henry Miller talked about his sex life as much as Governor Mark Sanford talks about his sex life, people would have started thinking he was some kind of perv. So today Mark Sanford needed to amend the number of times he kissed the Spider Woman in the last year, for those of you keeping score at home. Now it's five, including two overnights in New York, one for general fornication and one more - approved by his wife! - that was supposed to be just to talk about old times. Sort of an adultery exit interview….Okay, now clearly Mark Sanford is just a twitching loon who should be locked up before he hurts someone. What's cool is that he isn't even out of office yet, and he's already talking about God opening doors. Our former favorite disgraced Christian egomaniac, Sarah Palin, waited until the week after the election, when she told Fox News: "Faith is a very big part of my life. And putting my life in my creator's hands - this is what I always do. I'm like, OK, God, if there is an open door for me somewhere, this is what I always pray, I'm like, don't let me miss the open door. And if there is an open door in '12 or four years later, and if it is something that is going to be good for my family, for my state, for my nation, an opportunity for me, then I'll plow through that door."
The open door to which they refer, of course, is from Revelation:"I know thy works: behold, I have set before thee an open door, and no man can shut it: for thou hast a little strength, and hast kept my word, and hast not denied my name." -- Revelation 3:8….Evangelical business advice always comes back to Revelation 3:8. God opens doors. Like this one: Your opportunity to buy these timeshares. God wants you to get rich working from home. The same way he opens the door to a Palin Administration. Immediately followed by the Apocalypse. Don't say you weren't warned. I'm not sure Mark Sanford's going to like the door that God opens for him, though. According to Revelations 21:8, adulterers and liars shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone. Forever. Even if you've been to Argentina, and gotten used to the heat, that's still gonna hurt.
© 2009 Gershon Hepner 7/1/09